Movie Review: Ouija – A “How not to” Guide

ouija

Genre: Horror

Director: Stiles White

Running Time: 89 Minutes

“People have told me ‘Betty, Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with old friends…’. At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I’d need a Ouija board”

– Betty White

The Plot

Same old, same old. A teen kills herself, or so it seems, and her best friend decides that it would be a good idea to use the Ouija board she finds in the deceased friend’s room to try to communicated with the dearly departed. After a rather lackluster séance, involving the entire group of friends, things start to go south. Each friend starts to die, under increasingly mysterious circumstances. All the while, the still living best friend of the dead girl is trying to figure out what happened to her friend and what is currently plaguing her living friends.

Cue shitty history lesson. They soon find out that there was a mother who murdered one of her two children in the house. Blah blah blah… Enter predictable plot twist and uneventful deaths.

At least she was well lit. We all know the advantages of good lighting!

Performances & Special Effects

Literally, every one of the actors was terrible. I didn’t even bother learning their names. Describing their performances as “wooden” is like calling Elton John “slightly gay”. I’m fairly sure that all of the actors could have been replaced with cardboard cut-outs of lemons and no-one would have noticed. The special effects were pretty average but there was one decent scene where one of the characters in flossing and suddenly finds her mouth sewn shut with the floss.

Flossing, the silent killer. Or is that cholesterol…?

Pet Peeves

People, can we start singing a different tune when it comes to Ouija boards. There is nothing mystical about them. They have only been around since the 1800s and were used for parlour tricks and crackpot séances. In fact, Ouija was patented in about 1890, a patent now held by Hasbro. The same people who brought you Transformers. It would be refreshing to see producers and writers come up with something original. Cabin in the Woods is one of these original thoughts. Though not an amazing film, it was not the horror by numbers sort of drivel offered to us in Ouija.

The Review

This movie was a Hollywood train wreck from start to finish. It all started with an overused, dull story and lead to the casting of “actors” with the acting ability of a radish, culminating in a cookie cutter teen slasher wannabe. It is one of the most boring movies I have ever had the displeasure of watching, and I had to sit through all 5 Twilight movies! This movie wasn’t just dull on the horror front, it was just all round dull.

This is the poor man’s Final Destination. It’s creativity was what made the Teen Slasher sub-genre great. That, and bizarre gory deaths and characters teens could relate to. These deaths weren’t even fun to watch. I got bored about 20 minutes in but I’d committed and finished the movie. I have nothing vaguely positive to say about this movie. With an estimated budget of 5 million dollars, you have to ask where the money went? Definitely not into this movie.

Ouija is one of those movies that never really starts. You’re constantly waiting for the action or real twist to happen but they next thing you know, the credits are rolling. Kinda like Cloverfield. You’d have a far more terrifying experience watching paint dry or grass grow. The jump scares were flat and the dialogue stilted. You could spend that hour and a half more productively, like picking lint out of your belly button.

My Rating: 2/5

Buy or rent Ouija on Amazon.com or buy an actual Ouija board and re-enact this film for a better experience!

You might also like:

Nothing to live for but if you are looking for a decent Teen Slasher film check out this list.

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2 responses to “Movie Review: Ouija – A “How not to” Guide

  1. You didn’t “have” to watch the Twilight movies… That was a recommendation put before the collective, which the collective adopted with understandable reservation. Nobody was forced into anything against their will.

    Apart from that, this movie sounds bland as hell.

    Liked by 1 person

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