Book Review: Crystal Cabbage: Meth Whore – Blonde, Buxom, Bodacious & Broken AF

Crystal Cabbage

This was yet another fan request. Actually this came from my BFF James, who is a cruel, sadistic man with a twisted sense of humour. Once he realised that I was taking requests, he took it upon himself to find the most awful book in existence. James, if you’re reading this… I hate you with the fury of a thousand soggy koalas.

The Plot

The first thing that you need to know is that this entire sanitary pad of a “book” takes place in one sordid night. We first meet Crystal Cabbage on her knees, giving the filthy, crusty, over-weight, balding Bernie the blowjob of his life. He offends this self-proclaimed meth whore, who stops her ministrations and starts to leave, but not before an angry Bernie tries to get her to stay. He doesn’t get very far because he catches sight of her “colossal mammaries” which causes him to orgasm from his maniacally spasming shaft. Crystal gets away with her fifty bucks and goes in search of her candy.

The remainder of the book recounts her need for crystal meth dictating her actions. She manages to have a four-way gangbang in the back of a dirty van with some Mexican day labourers and their boss for $100, she then buys the meth only to be stopped and strip searched by 2 cops leading to her indecent liaison with both officers resulting in her meth being destroyed and finally leaving her with no choice but to return to her dealer to exchange services for product, with him and two of his lackeys. Crystal has no shame thus no act is too humiliating, especially when those acts are the only means too her candy. She made Nicki Minaj look like a pillar of virtue.

Writing Style

This is a really strange mix of impressive vocabulary, ludicrous content and vulgar synonyms. If you’ve read my other reviews of books in this type of genre. They are not trying create a complex narrative while interacting with diverse discourses for a beautifully spun morsel of literary genius.

No, it’s a tap and toss pamphlet. It’s the literary equivalent of a 15 minute porn “film”. For some reason, this pamphlet is different. I will explore this more in the “Review” section of this post. The content is smut but the author clearly has a rather extensive grasp of the English language and has decided to go over to the dark side. This pamphlet did have me wondering how many synonyms one could come up with, for “wet vagina”. Here are some on my personal favourites from the pamphlet:

  • sopping snatch
  • gushing slit
  • sloshing hole
  • soaked snatch
  • gushing hole
  • sloshing gash
  • slopping cunt
  • wet chasm

It’s usually at this point that I would insert a few excerpts from the book but this pamphlet made me feel so filthy for just reading that simply thinking of the words makes me vomit in my mouth a little. I’ve included a few of the tamer scenes here:

“Paco  gripped her elephantine breasts, spat on each one and pressed them together, their combined size overflowing out of his palms. He grunted his rapture as he slid his turgid pole between the two gigantic pillows of soft flesh.”

“Crystal moaned in ecstasy, cum drooling out of the corners of her spattered mouth, tits  jiggling crazily with each slam of their cocks…”

…a stream of juice spurted out of Crystal’s snatch as Markett slammed into her ass.”

The Review & Things We’ve Learned

This book taught me so many useful and insightful things. For example, I found out that one can be a meth addict for years but still ave the body and the face of a goddess. She is described as having: massive, supple breasts, which her shirts are barely able to contain, a “lustrous” ass which has stopped traffic more than once, and a face with full lips, bright blue eyes and a head of luscious blonde hair. Riiiiight…

Get the meth look!

I have learned that with years of whoring, for meth or otherwise, the vagina is able to accommodate a 25 inch (63.5 cm) police nightstick. Hand in hand with this, I learned that fisting is not something that you have to ease into or prepare for. And, in fact, you can go straight to full fist penetration and cervix punching (no, I’m not making this up…). Subsequently, I learned that the cervix is able to take several beatings, from all manner of objects and appendages, without negative effects.

In all seriousness though, this pamphlet was different to the other pamphlets I’ve review within a similar genre. There is something dark and deprecating in the subtext. The character mentions more than once in her internal dialogue that America is the land of dreams, where anything goes and you can be anyone you want and do whatever you want. Initially, I thought nothing of it. I deliberately read the pamphlet a second time and noticed the satirical undertones, once I’d recovered form the harrowing scenes of debauchery.

The author seems to have thinly veiled disgust for her own character, even though the character seems comfortable doing anything for the drug she need to survive. My theory is that this book was written by a disillusioned porn star whose life has not panned out the way she had intended it to. This becomes glaringly apparent in the final scene of the book, where Crystal has just finished her marathon gangbang day and is rewarded with a miniscule baggie of meth. She seems to reach a place of utter calm. Her dealer and his companions have finished with her and fallen asleep without a second thought. Crystal sees the metallic sheen of an MP5.

“She pulled back the gleaming sub machine gun’s slide, chambering what would be the first of many rounds expended tonight. she lifted her arms. The  gun’s fuzzy black sights floated over the sleeping bodies like a ghost. Crystal Cabbage took aim. She smiled.

And pulled.

And ejaculated hellfire onto them.

And the light…

The light was so beautiful it drowned everything in its glow.

Everything.”

This book suddenly goes from being a rather weird smut read to cathartic rebirth. I did not see that one coming.

My Rating: 1/5

Buy Crystal Cabbage: Meth Whore on Amazon.com

I cannot think of anything else you may like, as there is nothing else quite like this book.

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4 responses to “Book Review: Crystal Cabbage: Meth Whore – Blonde, Buxom, Bodacious & Broken AF

  1. Pingback: WakuWafu and Starlight Blogger Awards | A World of Weird

  2. I swear I never intended for it to be so bad or painful for you. To assuage the fury of the sodden koalas, do your worst and I’ll read it.

    Like

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