Movie Review: Poseidon Rex – Pirates of the Fauxribbean

P-Rex Poster

Genre: Action/Sci-fi

Director: Mark L. Lester

Running Time: 81 Minutes

“…a cinematic Tour de Force…” – Stygian Mole

“I was misquoted!” – Stygian Mole

The Plot

This rip-roaring action/adventure/monster film is set in the tropical paradise of Belize, where some divers set out to find a lost Spanish ship, said to hold Mayan gold. Their efforts to find the gold involves detonating C4 on the ocean floor, which not only does the trick of unearthing the ship they are searching for (without damaging this priceless artefact) but also releases a prehistoric aquatic dinosaur into the world.

The lone survivor (aka Leatherface) of this venture finds himself thrown together with a busty but “brainy” scientist (aka Bewbs), a college jock (aka Jockstrap) and their Tyrese look-a-like Caribbean tour guide to save the world while also trying to stay off Belize’s most wanted criminal’s radar! And by “the world”, I obviously mean Belize.

With a hefty dose of soft science, Bewbs’ innate ability to decipher Morse Code in her head and wildlife stock footage, this quartet of unlikely heroes is able to save the day.

What do you elf eyes see Bewbolas?

Errors and Special Effects

I usually do a section on the actors’ performances but considering the nature of this film, I figured that it we would all know that these performances were shit and I wouldn’t need to further analyse this aspect of the film. I would much rather spend this section looking at the errors in production, of which there are many, and the film’s special effects.

Kicking off the list is the wonder and majesty of day/night shooting. For those of you who are not familiar with this technique, it is when scenes are shot during the day but with the use of particular filters and/or cameras, the scene looks like it was shot at night. These guys didn’t even bother. they had sunshine streaming through windows while trying to make me believe these characters were shutting down for the night.

One of my personal favourite errors is the use of fire arms in this film. Firstly, the characters all grab a selection of guns but no-one thought to grab additional magazines for these weapons. Yet they proceed to fire these weapons ad infinitum. The type of weapon changes from scene to scene. As an example, Leatherface is initially seen running with a semi-automatic shotgun but in the next scene it changes to a pump-action shot-gun. The same errors occur with the handguns and rifles in this movie, but this is nothing new for these films. Right? Well, the most glaringly obvious error, which rustled Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist‘s jimmies, was the “reloading” of a one-shot LAW. This weapon cannot be used multiple times, it cannot be reloaded but we see Jockstrap firing the same LAW at least 3 times, and Bewbs uses the same LAW twice after that.

Who needs firepower when you’re rocking those guns?

This movie has the best selection of stock footage than any documentary I have ever seen. The first 10 minutes of this movie is a wonderous blend of movie footage and wildlife stock footage. There is an obvious difference in filming style, quality and location, not to mention dive visibility. Plus, at one point you can actually see that the film was shot in a pool. Adding insult to injury, the film pretends to know something about diving. Stygian Mole is my source of all things dive related, as he his commercial diving licence and diving is part of his profession. At one point in the film, Leatherface tell Bewbs that they will be diving to a depth of 2000 ft (610 m) to retrieve a P-Rex egg. Decompression aside, you require special dive gear, namely, a special suit and saturation gear. These scientific fucknuts went diving with regular tanks and surf suits. Saturation diving is employed at any depth greater than 160 ft (50 m). Needless to say, Stygian Mole was having a mild seizure during these scenes.

This saturation diving…

Equally disturbing is the movie’s understanding of CPR, which it calls “sepia” by the way. I’m considering creating an Urban Dictionary entry for this one! Bewbs and Cheap Tyrese perform sepia on Leatherface, even though they admit that he has a pulse and is breathing… Now, I’m no expert but, no wait… I’ve actually got first aid and CPR training.

There is a glorious scene where Bewbs and Leatherface are investigating one of the P-Rex eggs, when they come face to face with a baby P-Rex. Bewbs uses a surgical clamp to carry the baby Rex by it dorsal fin. In this, I am definitely no expert but I feel there would have been a better way to do this.

The lack of continuity in this movie had us playing “spot the missing crew member”. Almost every scene involving a boat chase or raid resulted in the crew going from 3 to 2 men. The third man would always mysteriously disappear. In some scenes, entire boats would disappear from a shot! Almost like there were mini-Bermuda Triangles everywhere. Characters would be firing in the wrong direction because they clearly weren’t briefed on where the P-Rex would be added later. My personal favourite was being able to spot the film crew in all the actors’ sunglasses. every. time.

The Review

I love this movie. It’s not meant to be taken seriously and it’s not meant to be accurate. It is brilliant for a laugh when you are in the mood for some silliness. Other than her superhuman ability to decipher Morse Code in her head, Bewbs was also able to MacGuyver a Morse transmitter out of some wire and an analogue comm system. What’s not to love. Bewbs has an innate knowledge of the P-Rex even though, by her own admission, she did not know that an aquatic version of the T-Rex existed. Leatherface seems to believe that the Laurentian Abyss (not really) holds Mayan Spanish gold from Azteca because clearly all these culture are the same! He also has the value added superpower of having mind-blowingly good sex, fully clothed. Can you imagine the convenience?!

All in all, Stygian Mole, the Occult Specialist, James and I all had a stupidly fun time watching this and enjoying the ludicrous nature of the film. Don’t be an idiot and watch this expecting a serious film. Then you’re the dumb one, not the movie.

My Rating (for fun): 3/5

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