Director: Uwe Boll
Running Time: 95 Minutes
The conclave convened and decided that we had not tortured ourselves enough by watching Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead. We took it upon ourselves to watch the BloodRayne trilogy, with undying support from the Stygian Mole and our resident Occult Specialist. This is a log of the horrors that we have witnessed.
I don’t have a goddamn, ever-loving, fucking clue. One minute there were circus folk demonstrating the wonders of a woman who burns when touched by water, can be cut and injured but magically heals by imbibing blood. Then Rayne (Kristanna Loken) is given a cross by a well meaning gypsy woman. She escapes her cell and kills all the carnies, including wounding the kindly gypsy woman. Next thing I know Billy Zane is soliloquizing about fuck knows what and we see Ben Kingsley making the worst acting decision of his career. Cut to the riders of Rohan trekking across not-Middle Earth and Michelle Rodriguez is being her usual surly, belligerent self.
Special Effect and Performances
I don’t know what you expect from me or Uwe Boll. Everything was shit. From the horrendous costuming to the tin foil swords. The choreography for the fight scenes was actually painful to watch and severe over-acting made for a true cringefest. At one point there was a montage of Rayne’s actions and experiences that used the same scenes several times. All of which the viewer had just seen.
Meatloaf was an abomination which we tried to ignore while focusing on all the breasts in the room with him but even that wasn’t enough. The extras looked lost and unenthused, while the special effects for prostheses being lopped off was atrocious.
Though not the worst thing that I have ever watched (that title goes to the Twilight Saga in 5 excruciating parts), this was pretty close. Red hair and a tall frame does not a Milla make. This woman showed no finesse in the choreography and possessed the acting skill of a dingo. Michelle was young and stupid, so I’ll let this slide, cos we all have to make money. Ben Mutherfucking Kingsley had no excuse. Billy Zane has always been the poor man’s anyone else.
The lessons that could be taught to new filmmakers using this movie’s lack of continuity is astounding. The only mildly convincing scene was the strange sex scene against some cell gates. Don’t even get me started on this bitch’s saggy-ass pleather pants, entirely designed to show off her non-existent assets. If Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead didn’t prove this, it is shockingly apparent that Uwe Boll has no business making movies. And this is the man who was pissed off that they wouldn’t let him direct the upcoming Warcraft movie? Bitch, please.
My Rating: 1/5
Buy or rent BloodRayne from Amazon.com
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