Genre: Action/Adventure/Fantasy
Director: Uwe Boll
Running Time: 79 Minutes
79 minutes? It felt a helluva lot longer than that!
The Plot
Something about Nazis. I honestly don’t fucking know. This movie was boring I was trying commit suicide by swallowing a pizza slice whole. The conclave did not allow it. I think this movie had something to do with a blood crazed, Mengele-esque Nazi doctor (humorously named Dr Mangler) wanting to put Rayne’s super-vamp blood into Hilter. How and why this was going to be done? The Dark Lord only knows.
All I could focus on was the fact that Rayne is meant to be immortal but clearly time had not been kind to Natassia.
Performances & Special Effects
Between Dr Mangler’s (Clint Howard) ridiculously verbose and lengthy soliloquies and the awful writing, the performances were shit. I feel compelled to point out that Brendan Fletcher, who played Muller in BloodRayne: Deliverance, was cast to play Nathaniel Gregor in this film. He is the leader of the Nazi resistance group in PolaDenFinmark. The fact that this actor was in the last installment of this trilogy went unacknowledged. Terrible, even for Uwe Boll.
The best performance, hands down, came from one Willem Belli (left in picture below). The conclave knows Willem quite well but the fact that we only recognised him at the end of the film is testament to two things: 1. he put on a damned good performance, and 2. he truly is a glorious drag queen (also pictured below).
The SFX were a’ight. Nothing amazing or fancy. It was lackluster and found wanting many times, as one has come to expect with Boll. The blood was more believable this time around and the fight scenes were choreographed pretty well. But not even the soft-core lesbian make-out scene could save this train wreck headed to camp.
The Review
I’m fairly sure that I don’t need to spend 200 words explaining why this movie was utter vitriol. If you read my reviews of the previous to BloodRayne movies, it was much of the same. It is what we have come to expect from Uwe. I was so completely bored out of my mind, that even trying to write this review nearly made me bleed from the ears. Plus, this movie isn’t the sort of shitty b-grade that you can sit back and have a laugh at. It takes itself so sincerely seriously that it’s just plain boring.
The constant changing of vampire lore in these movies means that there is no consistency from film to film and the writers made it very clear that they had no idea what Mengele, or any other Nazi death camp doctor, was up to in WWII when they wrote:
“I cannot stand by while you torture that innocent creature!”
I’m fairly sure that people who condoned, encouraged and assisted in the mass murder of millions of innocent men, women and children because of their genealogy, race, sexual orientation and religion would not give a chocolate covered fuck about an anthropomorphic man-bat. Dr Josef Menegele took a set of twins and sewed them together to create his own approximation of “conjoined” twins. He literally sewed two kids together and watched them suffer and eventually die of gangrene. Do some goddamn research, you ass-clowns!
My Rating: 1/5
Buy or rent BloodRayne: The Third Reich from Amazon.com
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