After a two month hiatus, I think it only fitting that my return to blogging be at the hands (or rather blocks) of this anatomically confusing snotty tissue. Tetris blocks. Really? Tetris blocks? Is nothing sacred?
This sneeze of a “short story” follows Christie Aackerlund on her very brief journey of self discovery. She is a writer for a media company and is on the hunt for a promotion. Obviously, this does not go according to plan, so she decides to stick it to the man and ends up quitting her job instead of gaining a promotion.
It is briefly explained that the Tetris Blocks arrived on earth one day and that their origins are unknown but they seem to be sentient and wanting to assist society. The Blocks make up building structures, counters tops, ceilings, etc. They’re everywhere, and they all seem to be very friendly and rather intelligent.
While leaving the building that houses her former employer, Christie pops into the ladies’ room to fix her make-up. Through a bizarre twist of fate, she ends up in an apparently pleasurable but physically confusing foursome/gang-bang with a “Z”, “L” and an “I” block.
The cover states “ages 17+” and that’s what the writing is like. There is no need for sophisticated, or even witty, writing here. It’s not even written like a bad porn scene, which I suppose might be a good thing. Reading his Author’s Page on Amazon, it seems clear that this guy thinks that he is witty but really just comes across as juvenile and like he’s trying too hard to be funny.
“Suddenly, music poured from the speakers in the ceiling. Christie recognized it as an instrumental version of a Russian folk song.” (Actually underlined in the story.)
“‘Yeah, fill my gap,’ she moaned. The Russian music blasting above sped up as the Block rammed harder and faster.”
“The surface that faced her bulged forward, somehow staying completely smooth, as if it were made of liquid. The bulge pushed out further, forming a long, hard, purple rod.”
“All three Blocks cried out. Their voices became higher in pitch as their cries sustained, transforming into an electronic BLOOP!”
This was completely gimmicky and lazy. Much like Chuck Tingle‘s stuff. From the Russian folk music playing while they fucked, to the Blocks having Russian accents, to the fourth and final participant yelling out “TETRIS!” upon entering Christie. Also, I have never heard of a vagina being referred to as a “pussy-gap” before.
The sex wasn’t even good. It wasn’t terrible either. I feel that Delaney missed a fantastic opportunity here. It was not even vaguely close to erotic. She was rammed from behind by one Block, then cowgirled (anal) the same Block while blowing another and finally had her “pussy-gap” filled by a third block, to complete the TETRIS.
If you’re going to write erotica about inanimate objects, I want to read it and be so turned on I suddenly look at my toaster differently or entirely grossed out that I will need to take a break from using a hair-dryer. Neither of these things happened. Not to mention that, once again, we are clearly dealing with an author who has never experienced anal sex. No prep or proper lube, just straight ramming.
Aaaaand now I have the Tetris theme stuck in my head.
My rating: 0.5/5
Buy Taken by the Tetris Blocks on Amazon.
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