“The wonders of two Xanax and a vodka orange juice.”
– Margaret, Tentacle Lord (Book One)
I have no idea how to do this so I’m going for a “stream of consciousness” style description of the plot. Ready? Here we go…
Margaret, her husband (Blake), and her best friend (Dori) are flying (via helicopter) to a deserted, ramshackle lighthouse in order to inspect it for another of Blake’s get rich quick schemes. He won the deed in a poker game and was thinking of turning the lighthouse into high stacks gambling spot for the wealthy. The weather is shitty, no-one really wants to be there and then they end up stranded and wet in a lighthouse that is very clearly inhabited. We quickly realise that Blake and Dori are having an affair and that this secluded getaway is actually a ploy to murder Margaret. Yet, they suck at execution and don’t give her enough poison in her drink to get the job done. Half paralysed and betrayed, Marge is lying limp on the floor watching her husband and her best friend go at it like animals, while being forced to participate in a strange (non-penetrative) three-way. After the tryst, Marge casts her mind back on her relationship with her cheating spouse. She realises that she’s never been satisfied by Blake and that he’s never been good for her. SUDDENLY TENTACLES!
That’s right folks! She regains some mobility, while a tentacled creature of some kind pleasures her by the firelight. She eventually falls asleep and wakes up more lucid and mobile. The treacherous two decide to dose her again but she just refuses to die. Blake has had enough and drags Marge’s limp body outside with the intention of letting the sea claim her. He fucks that up as well and decides that bludgeoning is clearly the only way to go but SUDDENLY TENTACLES!
Blake is killed, so is Dori and a betentacled man carries Marge back into the lighthouse. They argue, he almost kills her, they bang WITH TENTACLES, he explains that his condition is the result of a science experiment gone wrong, and he implores her to just love him.
I hate first person narratives. Just putting that out there. Despite the bloated plot, of book one of five, the descriptive language wasn’t half bad but there is just too much happening here. The overabundant use of the word “and” is annoying, but I can kind of overlook that. The run on sentences were a little too much though.
“Dori ran to Blake’s aid and began pounding her fists against the back of the man choking him to death. Another tentacle sprang from the sleeve in the attacker’s jacket and grabbed her by the throat and lifted her into the air. Dori’s feet kicked briefly before she was flung over the edge screaming into the sea.”
“And then something unexpected happened. Long slippery probes of flesh that kissed my skin with tiny mouths began joining in, helping me find the areas in my pussy and breasts where the electric current building up could find release.”
The tentacle erotica is so haphazardly tacked onto this story that I feel the author had several ideas for several novels and just thought “fuck it!” and tossed it a in together to make a bizarre literary salad. I dont know about you but when I decide to read a book called Tentacle Lord, I’m reading it for the Tentacle Lord Erotica, and this book gave me nothing. There was one instance of dub-con and one other sex scene in between all this plot but no erotica to be found.
I honestly cannot be bothered to read the remaining four books in the series as the plot is not only bloated but also so flimsy that I can only imagine what will appear in the next read. Aliens, maybe? Authors should treat their plot point in the same way I treat fashion and leaving you house, each day. Take one item off before you walk out the door. Ms La Mer needed to sake several items off but I would have been happy with one.
The bloating of the plot completely overshadowed the rather interesting plot point that could have come from this book. As an example, tentacle erotica usually involves some sort of mythical creature (a tree, an alien, a video game monster, etc.) but here we have a man who simply drew the cosmic short straw and ended up with tentacle arms. This could have been an awesome sub-plot but was completely glossed over and rushed through because the author had so many other things she simply had to add to the story.
My rating: 1½/5
Buy Tentacle Lord (Book One) on Amazon.
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