“No one ever said that the life of a fairy pixie mushroom farmer and unicorn rancher would be an easy one.”
– Half-Man Half-Horse, All Love, Location 20
Our nameless protagonist is a fairy pixie who farms several types of mushrooms and also raises unicorns, in case you didn’t get that from the excerpt above. When one of the unicorns is brutally attacked and killed, the pixie’s father sends her to an auction to acquire a new unicorn. She is subsequently outbid but decides, for sexual and security reasons, to buy the centaur that is put on the block. She and Lincoln, the centaur, proceed to have a torrid affair, until her father finds out about it and sends the sexy stallion away.
This leaves the pixie, her father and their unicorns ripe for the picking, without their centaurian guard. Who should they fear? Well, tentacle vampires, of course.
The writing was fraught with common errors that one expects with sort of story. Run-on sentences were the most common offenders here. Also, the use of repetitive phrases, like “on and on”. Initially, I was annoyed but once I got into the story, it all made sense.
“‘Holy God!’ I gasped, putting my hand to my mouth, tears coming to my eyes. ‘Who the hell could have done this?’ Pa’s tiny little farmer eyes narrowed. ‘Tentacle vampires…’ he rasped, in a dark, gruff voice. I blinked at him. ‘Wh- what?’ ‘Tentacle vampires…’ he repeated, suddenly looking crazed.” Locations 130-135
“It was true, I was pretty damn shaken up at the moment, but the real reason I’d needed to stay behind was that the eggplant still inside me was starting to have a major impact on me, and waves of debilitating pleasure were presently pulsing through my body.” Locations 159-161
“And it was at that point precisely that I did him in. The temptation was far too much for him, and though he shook, struggling to resist the impulse, he forced himself down to the ground, onto his knees, bending his head forward. His lips wrapped around the end of the carrot, and he began to munch. I moaned, as I felt the friction of the vegetable being slowly pulled from inside me, dredging on and on and on, as he continued to chew and chew.” Locations 328-331
This is meant to be a satirical piece, mocking all the expected and frequent tropes that appear in romance novels and smut alike. And dear god, did it get the job done. Plus, the erotica wasn’t half bad. The extensive use of household items and vegetables as sex toys will speak to any sexually repressed being out there, or people with that kinda kink. There’s some hentai goodness for good measure, and a horse sized man-cock (heaven forbid we wander into actual bestiality).
This story was hysterical. I’m convinced that this was written by more than one person, and between them they covered every base. It was so thoroughly over the top that it ended up being stupidly funny to read. It makes a mockery of the current smut out there. The story threw so many literary stereotypes and oddities at you that nothing actually seemed odd. At one point, the fairy pixie goes into the barn to tend to the unicorns, she explains that they are kept on a diet of pure sugar. She then turns on the poor beasts’ dialysis machines. I didn’t even question that a unicorn should be kept on a dialysis machine, I kinda just nodded to myself and continued reading like nothing was amiss.
There were some errors in continuity but given the story’s overall feel, I could let that slide. As an example though, I’m not entirely sure that the author(s) were one hundred percent certain of the anatomy of a centaur or if they made the anatomy deliberately confusing. The way Lincoln is often described, especially during sex scenes, make him sound like a sentient horse, rather than half man and half horse. Honestly, though, it was so stupidly funny that I just didn’t care. Also, if you buy the Amazon Kindle version, you get the author(s) second story free (titled under “you might like” below).
Reading this story reminded me of another, similar story that I’d read recently and I think that this was the type of funny, stupid, trope-riddled writing exercise that Miranda Joyce was going for in My Day, but ultimately failed to accomplish. Definitely give Half-Man Half-Horse, All Love a read it you are looking for a light, ridiculous story that will make you roll your eyes while you laugh.
My rating: 3½/5
Buy Half-Man Half-Horse, All Love on Amazon.
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